Self-Perception
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Earlier this week, I saw a wonderful production of Charles Dickens’ classic A Christmas Carol. It reminded me of this important idea: Sometimes, there is a large gulf between how we see ourselves and how others see us.
The delightful play was adapted from Dickens’ novel by David “Tommy” Thompson and staged on the campus of Princeton University. In it Ebenezer Scrooge complains — on a few occasions — that his “weakness” is his “generosity.” Yeah, his generosity.
Naturally, juxtaposing the miserly Scrooge with a self-perception of being generous to a fault, well, it struck a lot of the holiday theatre-goers as pretty funny.
But what’s not so funny, is that so many of us think of ourselves in ways that may be in direct opposition to how others see us.
Gather a little feedback from those who know you best and care about you the most.You probably can easily think of several examples in your own life. I’ll tell you about a few from mine.
One boss I worked for was an extreme loner who had an irrepressible fondness for preaching teamwork to her direct reports. Likewise, another boss I worked for — an intense, withdrawn and emotionally volatile individual — had a penchant for frequently distributing articles on communication skills to his employees. A friend of mine describes himself as a highly organized “Type A” personality — but he’s often late on projects and just doesn’t have much initiative. And still another friend fancies herself as a “people person” but tends to avoid spending time with people!
I’ll bet you know people like this, too; people who are just about the polar opposite of how they think of themselves.
And that brings us to two important questions:
- When you think of yourself, what kind of person do you see?
- How well does your self-image square with how others see you? (And how do you know that?)
Action Steps
This is the time of year when many of us take time away from work, gather in the company of family and our closest friends, and pause for some reflection.
It’s also a great time to gather a little feedback about ourselves from those who know us best and care about us the most. Here’s a technique, building on a method pioneered by executive coach Marshall Goldsmith, that will help you get valuable feedback from people who know you well.
At an appropriate time, tell those people you care about that you are doing some self-reflection and would really value their input. Say something like,
As I look back on this year and ahead to next year, I’m doing some thinking about my life. I’m trying to take stock of myself and I’d appreciate your help in helping me to see myself with fresh eyes. Would you mind giving me some candid feedback?
Once you have your friend’s or loved one’s permission, begin by focusing on your strengths. Sometimes we overlook our true gifts or fail to give them the credit we should. So start by asking something such as: When you think of me, what do you think my strengths are? Or, What kind of things do you think I’m best at? Listen closely, especially for information that might be different than what you’d expect to hear.
Then, listen closely, especially for information that might be different than what you’d expect to hear. It’s important that you let the other person speak from their heart. Don’t prompt them in a certain direction, and don’t go fishing for compliments.
Just ask and listen. Have a pen and a pad of paper at hand to take notes.
After you’ve heard about your strengths, say,
Thank you for your insight, I really appreciate that. Now I’d like to ask you about things that people may not tell me about but that I really need to hear. If you were to make two suggestions to me to improve myself, what would you recommend that I focus on, and what specifically would you suggest that I do?
Notice something very important here: You are NOT asking for a litany of “weaknesses,” or to be mercilessly critiqued. You are asking for specific, actionable suggestions.
If you direct the conversation you could very well close off important channels of potentially very helpful information.And if you get criticism instead of constructive feedback, if you hear more complaints than suggestions, maintain your composure. Overcome your impulse to be defensive. Just listen. Then, thank the person for their input. And try once again to steer them toward giving you actionable suggestions.
Say: “I really appreciate your candor. What would you suggest that I do to improve?”
Variation on the Theme
If you have an area in your life that you’ve already identified for development—being less of a perfectionist, or demonstrating more patience, or showing a greater interest in others—ask those close to you directly for suggestions about dealing those issues. But do it after you’ve first asked about your strengths and for the other suggestions for improvements.
That way, you don’t assert your own agenda prematurely. If you direct the conversation you could very well close off important channels of potentially very helpful information.After all, how will you know how others see you, if you don’t give them a chance to tell you honestly?
Getting unvarnished feedback about yourself can be a bit of challenge, especially if you hear what you’d rather not. But the truth is a great gift. And you don’t have to be Ebenezer Scrooge to see the value of taking your life in a renewed, better direction.
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